Flash Friday – To Catch a Tooth Fairy

Dr. Silas Von Rott smiled while putting the final touches on his automaton. “Yes,” he thought, “when laid out on the bed it will look just like a real little boy.”

Carefully, he loaded banana pudding into the trap’s squirt gun. When that tooth fairy shifted the pillow in order to retrieve the tooth, banana pudding would squirt from the fingers.

He called his manservant to bring the automaton. While walking to the room he had prepared, Dr. Von Rott rubbed his hands and chuckled.

“Tonight, Mordecai, I shall become powerful. I shall bait the pillow with this tooth I purchased. Ahh, a lad after my own heart he was, all I had to do was promise him a sweet. Knocking the tooth out of some other child and bringing it to me was his idea. Delightful child. Soon, I will have a tooth fairy’s wand. Do you realize what this means, Mordecai?”

Mordecai just shook his head; carrying the heavy automaton up the stairs took all his strength and concentration. Besides, whether he answered yes or no, he knew Dr. Von Rott would tell him anyway. The Doctor enjoyed expounding upon the cleverness of his ideas.

“No, of course you don’t, Mordecai. A simple fellow such as you would never grasp the sublime simplicity of my genius.” Dr. Von Rott continued so swiftly Mordecai could not have answered even had he been so inclined. “As you know, when a child loses a tooth, the tooth fairy comes to collect it. They leave behind money for the tooth. Sometimes as much as a quid, and how do you think they carry it? No, I know you do not know. It is not in a wallet or purse I can tell you that, there isn’t one big enough. No, they use a wand to summon the money once the tooth has been collected. Now, once I have secured the wand I can summon all the money I wish, enough to finally create my army of clanks armed with death rays with which I can take over and rule the world!”

Mordecai shook his head a lot as he placed the automaton as the Doctor instructed. His family had served the doctor’s family for generations and this was in no way unusual behavior. Besides, the benefits were pretty good.

Automaton placed, Mordecai and the Doctor left the room. Mordecai went to his room to read while the good Doctor went to his study to determine how he would spend his soon-to-be immeasurable wealth.

*****

Fang was so glad this was the last call. This night had been one of the roughest in memory. Screens, cats, and bug zappers – all of the troublesome things which make a tooth fairy’s job less than dreamy. One child this night even had the audacity to attempt to capture him. Fortunately, it was only a mason jar and easy enough to flutter through. Fang just wished it had been a new jar. In the short time it took to exit, he had smelled enough pickles to last him years.

There were no screens on the windows for this house. Fang fluttered through and stopped to look around the room. He did not see any teddy bears. Those guardians of childhood never bothered him, but he did like to say hello, just to be friendly. Something did not feel right.

With a shrug, he flew to the bed where a child lay fast asleep. Fang landed near the edge of the pillow. Taking just a moment to preen his whiskers and scratch his ear, he sniffed the air. Yes, there was a fresh tooth from a boy under the pillow, but there was an undercurrent of odors he did not like, banana pudding with a hint of grease. It seemed to come from the sleeping child. Perhaps the lad had simply had some banana pudding for desert.

Slowly, with a bit of apprehension, Fang approached the pillow. He could see the tooth, just a little too far back for easy reach. The surprise came when he lifted the corner of the pillow.

A glob of banana pudding engulfed him. If not for the slight hiss as the air released, he would have been caught facing the pillow. The warning gave him a split second to turn slightly, or else he would not been able to react. The child’s mouth opened, springing a cage made of false teeth.

Dr. Von Rott had been daydreaming of giant clanks marching on London when the alarm sounded. The Queen was just about to give him the crown too! But more importantly, the tooth fairy trap had been sprung. He raced up the stairs to claim his prize.

Old tooth fairies do not become old tooth fairies without having learned to survive attacks such as these, so faster than thought as the false teeth sprang forward, Fang summoned up the unusual defense he learned early in his career, a shield of vanilla wafer. Bracing as best he could, the uppers broke as he knew they must, the impact throwing him clear of the banana pudding.

He was covered in the banana pudding. This was indeed a dastardly trap. Whoever set it knew banana pudding would prevent a fairy from using their dust. Normally fairy dust formed a cloud around the fairy allowing them to fly and flutter through objects, but this sticky covering kept the cloud from forming. Those false teeth, he shuddered, were the one thing which a fairy could not flutter through. It had been a close call. Fang had one last trick up his sleeve, and it did not depend on fairy dust.

Footsteps were charging up the hall. Just as the door opened, Fang used his last trick. Even many fairies did not know why they had whiskers and rounded ears. In the once-upon-a-time days, people left their children’s teeth for his kind, until one day such a great amount of belief magic accumulated it turned the humble grey mice to tooth fairies. In times of great need, all tooth fairies could still take the form of a mouse.

Dr. Von Rott saw the banana pudding and broken cage on the bed. “Curses! Foiled again! And by a mouse!” he screamed as a pudding-covered mouse scurried along the sideboard.

(Inspired by actual events)

Thank you for reading,

Ernest

Flash Friday – MATURE – Teapots and Disco Balls

This is a fun little piece written as the result of a panel at Contraflow 2015 held in New Orleans. It was a late night panel and I do not recall the exact title of the panel it was about writing sex scenes in romances.

There was discussion regarding some of the “rules”. Move it or lose it, Is it really needed, stay within the characterization, let the reader fill in the blanks and quit while you are ahead. We were then given two writing prompts to include in a piece of flash written during the panel and then shared.  So, without further ado:

________

“The walk to Grandmothers is always pleasant on these brisk fall mornings”, Red thought; as she pulled her cloak a little closer around her. Pausing at a favorite clearing, Red sniffed the basket of warm pastries and meat pies she was taking to her Grandmother. Smiling fondly she thought back over all the times she has made this trip. There was a certain previous visit which had almost ended in a disaster for both Red and her Granny.

Except fond reminiscence were not going to get these goodies to Granny. Still feeling nostalgic, Red gave a little skip as she left the clearing.

Lost in her remembrance, Red almost missed The Wolf stepping out from behind a tree. “Hello beautiful”, The Wolf growled, eyeing Red appraisingly.

“It’s been a long time since your type cruised around her”, replied Red. “Last one did not fare too well.” running her hand along the edge of her cloak.

“The scent of my cousin is strong on you; he always did try to bite off more than he could chew. Me on the other hand, like take it slow and easy. I don’t have to tell you, you’re beautiful. I suggest you don’t trip and fall in these woods. ”

“Understand, Wolfie, it’s like this, when your cousin tried to visit, Granny and I skinned him. When I saw his wet, red flesh it really did something for me. I enjoyed licking the blood from my fingers and off of the skinning knife, my nethers went all aquiver. Want to guess the best part? After the skin is stretched, with a little care, it begins to feel like silk. So smooth and satiny, feels wonderful!” as Red caressed the cloak with both hands. “I know why you are here, you are hungry. Now, I want to make you a deal.”

“Hmm,” growled The Wolf slinking near, “what kind of offer?”

“Good Wolfie”, Red cooed softly, “You send shivers up my spine when you are near, so much I can barely sit still when you are near. Now, I know you are hungry. I can give you a snack. But Granny would make a main course. See I am rather lean, probably tough and stringy, but Granny, she is a plump like a disco ball, nobody else would probably even miss her. But I get her inheritance. You get fed; I get set for life. Help me out and I’ll keep you in T-bones.”

“Are you playing a game with me little girl? You would give the old lady up like that? My line is smooth; I can have all the babes in town following me just to hold my paw. Always a party when The Wolf is around. Up until I get to ask if they will offer their throats to the wolf with the red, red roses? Always surprising how easy the necks get bared, but always so pleasant to feel the blood run down my jaws.”

Withdrawing a pastry from her basket Red asked sweetly, “Those steaks will be thick and bloody too Wolfie dear. Now, why don’t you show me how you can work that tongue sweetie? Now, show Red how you lick out her creampie.”

As The Wolf began to roll his tongue in and around Reds pastry, she moaned a little. “Ooh Wolfie, I love the way you are licking that, here let me sweeten it for you from my little honey pot.” pulling the dipper from her basket of goodies. Now it was The Wolf’s turn to moan.

Afterward, as the Wolf lay content at Reds feet, she scratched his ears. The Wolf growled, “That was the best creampie I ever licked, right tasty Red. Yeah, you have a deal. Just make sure those steaks are rare and bloody.”

She watched him lope off in the direction of Granny’s house and Red smiled pulling out her cell phone.

“Hello Granny…”

*****

 

When The Wolf reached Granny’s he burst through the door. Red’s Granny was a plump, cookie-baking, matronly type. Thanks to modern technology Granny was prepared after Red’s call. Imagine The Wolf’s surprise, finding the plump old woman not in the smock he expected, but in a red leather corset with fish-net stockings, garters, spiked red leather boots and slapping a crop against her thigh.

Stunned, The Wolf thought he must have the wrong house until the tea kettle began to whistle, shaking him from his reverie. Trying to figure out how this happened he could not believe his ears when Granny spoke.

“Wolfie, I sent Red on her way. I’m your little tea pot, short and stout,” with a wiggle of her hips making her cellulite jiggle,’ and I hear you like to party. Tonight, I am going to ride your disco stick all night till your lights go out. Now, eat me mutha fucka!”

______

Thank you for reading,

Ernest

 

 

Foray into Noir

Noir, what is it?

Noir fiction (or roman noir) is a literary genre closely related to hardboiled genre with a distinction that the protagonist is not a detective, but instead either a victim, a suspect, or a perpetrator.

My first foray into the genre is with Once Upon a Mystery. The challenge of it was to create a 1920’s – 1930’s story using fairy tales as a base. I chose a setting comparable to 1929, just before and as the stock market crashed.

I drew the “Three Billy Goats Gruff”. I was almost dismayed when I began researching the story. Of all the uninteresting, straightforward stories, but I decided it was a challenge. There are some interesting points to the story. There were several themes in the story. Greed, patience, cunning, and a few others if you look for them. To incorporate these into the time period was not as difficult as feared once the story was laid out. Adding layers of intrigue to this straightforward story while maintaining its core was the trick.

Following is an excerpt from “Three Billy Goats Gruff: A Noir Fairy Tale”

“Orland squinted as he tilted the bottle. Disappointed with how little remained, he downed it in a swallow; then held it upside down. Where were the answers that were supposed to hide at the bottom?

He knew why there were no answers. He already had them.

It was late and the office echoed. Still, he looked over his shoulder. Billy needed the new medastinum surgery to fix his lungs. Orland had lost his wife. He was not going to lose his son.

Before his last swallow of liquid nerve waned, he made a few quick pen strokes. There! It was finished. Tomorrow, as part of routine processing, a clerk would set up an ongoing transfer of funds to his secret account. He was an honest sort, but the company had refused to help. His salary was just not enough. The evidence was well-hidden and another clerk processing it was the final shield. Even the best auditors would be hard-pressed to track this back to him.”